But out?

I find that I often sabotage a good thing with the word “but”.  I always seemed to find fault with something.  It was part of my negative cycle.  I’ve decided rather than ban the word from vocabulary entirely, I’d switch it up.  When ever I find myself thinking something negative I use “but” to find a silver lining.

I HATE winter.  It’s not the cold so much.  It is the dark!  I don’t like waking up and it is dark for hours and then I leave work and it is nearly dark already.  I work in an office all day and though I have a window I almost always have to keep the blinds closed because of glare.  By the time the sun comes up, I don’t have enough time for a walk and I don’t want to leave my house in the evenings.  So being that we are in dead of winter, I’ve been a bit more negative than usual.

After a particularly long stretch of rainy, cold days (we don’t get much snow here), I was gripeing again about the weather – it was bitterly cold that day. But the sun was out!  But the forecast for tomorrow was warmer! But the heat pump didn’t freeze up now that we built the cover.  But my car starts up right away even in this bitter cold.  But now I can eat stew!

My guy is starting school again this week.  Four days a week and then weekends will be homework time.  And he is already putting in longer hours at the new job.  We will have much less time together.  But we can eat dinner together most of those nights.  But I can go to the gym without feeling that I’m not home enough. But now I can take those classes at Michaels.

It’s about looking on the brighter side.  It’s about looking for opportunities instead of loss.

“But” is like a fork in the road.  You can be on a good path and “but” yourself right down the negative road.  You can be on a rocky path and use it to take a higher road.  “But” really is all in your head!

 

 

Clutter is depressing

I love going in to my office now that it is decluttered.  It’s a lighter space and my mood is lighter as well.  A study released this summer conducted by researchers at the UCLA’s Center on Everyday Lives and Families (CELF) bears out my personal experience.  It turns out that clutter causes depression.  The team of sociologist, anthropologists and archaeologists at the CELF  found that clutter effects not only our mood but our self-esteem as well.

This phenomenon seems to be more profound in woman.  Our cortisol level increases in the face of clutter.  If you remember, cortisol is the “stress hormone” and a real enemy of happiness and contentment.  In addition, we equate tidiness with a happy and successful life.

Clutter causes stress by:

• bombarding us with stimuli
• distracting us from our goals
• makes it difficult to relax
• makes us feel guilty and embarrassed
• is a constant reminder of thing undone

For me the most stress producing consequence of clutter is the inability to get things done.  Everything takes more time because I waste time looking for things I need.  It just causes a paralysis that prevents me from moving forward.

Furthermore, it becomes a vicious cycle. The clutter is depressing and being depressed leads to low energy. Low energy leads to more mess. A messy kitchen doesn’t inspire you to cook.  A messy office leads to missed payments.  It is hard to feel romantic when the bed and floor are covered with clothes.  Things stay broken because you can’t find the tools to fix them.

Besides your mental and emotional health, clutter can effect your physical health.  The resulting stress can cause headaches, increased blood pressure, insomnia, diabetes, poor digestion and even weight gain!

My date with “Shredder”

Saturday evening, my guy and his son went to a hockey game – a father/son experience Christmas gift.  This gave me a gift too – 5 hours uninterrupted time.  I had blocked out this time to “spend at least one hour each weekend, decluttering”.  That one hour turned into a full 5 hours!

I started with my office.  I had my “files” stored in plastic bins stacked in the corner.  My current files I keep in the file drawer of my desk.  I started with the “current” files – oh not so current.  3 years of insurance policies – they renew every 6 months.  Bills from accounts at my old apartment.  Membership contracts to gyms I no longer have memberships at.  Then of course there are all the things I ripped from magazines that I’ve never looked at again – who needs that when you have Pinterest?  And recipes too.  Then all the reference material – pamphlets for doors and windows and millwork from my interior design classes.  The retired file bin was even worse – closed 401K acccount and bank account statements.  Paystubs from 2002!

So “Shredder” and I had a party!  The current files are now actually current!  The retired files fit in one small file box with room to spare!  I can actually find something if I need it!  I went through drawers and my bookshelves too and made a trip to Goodwill.

It is amazing how much stuff we hide away.  Stuff we keep because it is easier to hide it away than deal with it.  This not only applies to our physical space but our mental space as well.  The past – hidden away.  Isn’t it time to let it go?

Looking Back and Moving Forward

The year is almost over.  Hard to believe – it seems to flow by faster as I get older.  It’s traditionally a time of reflections – best of and worst of lists abound.  And don’t forget “the year in review”.

2014 started out with sadness – death.  But there was also hope – the possibility of healing – rebuilding damaged relationships.  But in the end that was not to be.  Moving on is all I can do – learning what I can and letting go as well.  I will not dwell in loss – I will cherish what is.

The black cloud that hung over my head threatened most of the year.  One event – that one letter in the mail turned my world upside down.  But I took action to help myself – to not let it take away what was good in my life.  And so much came out of it – learning about happiness and gratitude and courage and faith and hope and letting go and moving forward.

Through all this I have learned more than anything how to build on the positive things in my life – and now I see that there are many!  I’ve learned to appreciate and be grateful. I’ve learned that I can choose happiness.  I have learned to be mindful, grateful and charitable.  I am more resilient, more at peace, more optimistic and yes happier – with a much deeper understanding what happiness really is.

I often think on that day as a watershed, a pivotal point, a fork the road.  No it was not good, but good came out of it because I chose to focus on the good.

So as I break for the holidays, I want to take this opportunity to wish you and yours a very happy holiday season.  Enjoy!

 

Refurbishing your life

On Sunday my guy’s son came by the house.  He has a World War I rifle that he wanted to refurbish.  He’d painted it some camo design and wanted to restore it back to the original wood stock.  For some reason, he seemed to think he could accomplish this job in a few hours.  What he didn’t realize was that first he had to strip it, then prep it and then finish it.

Changing your life is a lot like refinishing a rifle or a piece of furniture.  It takes certain steps – sometimes time-consuming steps.

First you have to strip away the old stuff.  He used a chemical that got most of the old stuff off fairly easily.  We need to do that too.  Say you wanted to improve your health.  What’s the old stuff?  The poor eating habits, the lack of exercise, not sleeping regularly, too much partying and stress.  You can identify them pretty easily. But just like the caustic chemicals used to remove old paint, it can be pretty rough on your self-esteem.  It stings! Nobody likes to admit they are “wrong” or “bad” or make “poor” choices. But we have to face up the old stuff.

Next you have to prep the newly exposed stuff to accept the new stuff.  In the case of the wood, it means sanding – lots of sanding and maybe some filling too.  This is an abrasive process.  You have to prep yourself too.  You have to change your thinking, your preconceived notions.  You might have to do some research.  And develop a plan. So you restock your pantry, join a gym or set an exercise routine.  You have techniques to deal with stress. Set up an accountability and goal-tracking system. Only then are you ready for the new finish.

Staining would be the next step for the rifle.  Using our health example you begin to eat healthy, exercise regularly, sleep properly, say no to the partying, and implement your stress reduction techniques.  Next come the protective finish.  This is where your accountability and goal-tracking system come into play.  This is how you measure your progress and protect yourself from damage, just like varnish protects the new paint or stain finish.

None of this can be done in a day.  It takes time and patience and often a bit of pain or discomfort.  But in the end, just like the restored rifle, you will be restored as well.

 

How to change other people

I used to think that someone else could make me happy.  If they just changed, I’d be happy.  If someone loved me, I’d be happy.  If I had great friends, I’d be happy. If my family, boss or coworkers gave me credit for what I did for them, I’d be happy.   When these people didn’t measure up, I was unhappy.

I made a fatal mistake – depending on other people to make me happy – thinking if they changed, I’d be happy.  I put my happiness in the hands of others. All along though, my happiness was under my control.  I could decide to be happy even if I was single, friendless or unappreciated.

Happiness is my perspective on my life, not based on the feedback of others.  I have to change if I want to be happy.  I need to love myself to be happy.  I need to be comfortable being alone to be happy.  I need to be confident in my own actions to be happy.

I really believe that you can’t be in a successful, fulfilling relationship if you don’t love yourself.  I don’t think you can have good friends until you know how to be a good friend.  I don’t think you can do a good job at anything if you constantly need someone telling you how great you are – the motivation, the feeling of accomplishment must come from within.

And when things are not going well, I know I am the one who needs to make some changes.  Only I can change my life.  You can’t change other people.  Don’t even waste your time.  You can try to influence other people but only they can change.  So don’t look to others to make you happy.  Look in the mirror.

 

 

Tradition

This weekend we got our tree and did our Christmas decorating. For many years I collected Santa Clauses – all sizes, shapes and colors.  I would usually buy a new Santa every Christmas.  I kept them out all year on shelves in the family room.  My kids thought it was kind of creepy.

On Sunday, I took most of my Santa’s to Goodwill.  It was time.  Part of simplifying.  I kept a few – the first Santa I got – a musical one.  A wooden folk art Santa which keeps me focused on my dream of living in the country some day.  A tall folk art style Santa that was a gift from a friend I’ve known for more than twenty years. A Santa in swim trunks which was a gift from a former boss who has since passed away.  My all-white ceramic Santa which matches the white on my baker’s rack bar.  And one small ceramic Santa that reminds me of a friend who does squirrel rescue.  Now as I walk past each Santa, I remember the special people behind each special Santa.

It was both liberating and bittersweet.  Getting a new Santa each year was a tradition. But you don’t need to keep a tradition alive if it no longer serves you or when it becomes an obligation rather than a joyful experience.  Holding on to the past just because “we always did it this way” or you are afraid of “upsetting the apple cart” won’t serve your overall happiness.

So this Christmas, I will be strengthening the traditions that bring me joy and releasing the one’s that bog me down.

A Search for Simplicity

I live a pretty simple life.  I don’t go out much – dinner once a month or so.  I come home from work and cook dinner, do a little crafting, watch a little TV and am in bed by 10pm – even on weekends.   On weekends, we do home renovations or yard work.  My entertainment budget is my gym membership.  When weather permits, we may get on the bike and I’ll take my camera along to get a few shots.

I don’t party hard, shop till you drop or take elaborate vacations.

But I don’t live simply.  I still have way too much “stuff”.  It fills drawers, shelves, closets and is piled on flat surfaces.  Every room is cluttered.  I have multiples of lots of things and my bathroom is full of products I don’t use anymore – like molding paste from the short hair days.  Pens that don’t write, books that I won’t read and shoes I don’t wear.

2015 will be the year to simplify – to pear down.  It begins now by using up what I have.  I don’t have a game plan yet but I’ll be doing some reading and researching on simplicity.

Part of the problem is getting over the two biggest hurdles – I paid good money for that and I might need that again.  I still don’t have a way to get over those hurdles.  I think both the shredder and the folks at the Goodwill drop off center will know me well.

If any of you have any strategies, I’m all ears!  And if you’ve traveled the path to simplicity, I’d love to hear your story.

Rethink the Holiday Season

This week is Thanksgiving. It marks the beginning of the holiday season.

This Thanksgiving, I have much to be thankful for. Plus I’ve learned over the past months how to be more aware of the little blessings – the people, the moments, the simple pleasures that are part of real life – a good life – my life.

This year, we will have a quiet simple Thanksgiving – just the two of us. Yes we could join others for the turkey and trimmings but one of my focuses this year is to avoid “drama”. And sad to say, often the holidays involve “drama”. Family frictions fly. People drink to much, compare to much, stress too much and expect too much.

This time of year if full of “shoulds”. We should go to Moms. We should buy a gift for so and so. We should go to all those holiday parties. We should put up lights. We should have turkey. We should get that “deal” on Black Friday.

Maybe you shouldn’t! Maybe you can go to Mom’s for dessert but skip the meal. Maybe it is time to stop buying “obligation” gifts. Maybe you should cut back on the holiday decorations. Maybe you ought to skip a party or two. Maybe you should eat lasagna! Maybe you should stay home on Black Friday because the cost of the stress might outweigh the savings.

Maybe this is the year to focus on the meaning of the holidays and building experiences that bring peace and joy to your life.

Thank you for reading this blog and I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Gossip, Gossip

On the way home from the grocery store Sunday, I noticed something on the sign outside the middle school near my house. I pass this school dozens of times each week and since I no longer have school-age children, I usually ignore it. This time this caught my eye.

Stand in the grocery store line and you’ll see a row of magazines that cover “celebrity gossip”. The “mean girl” epidemic is one based on gossip. One of the most popular TV shows among teen/young adult girls is Gossip Girl.  People like Perez Hilton, who make a living off celebrity gossip, are celebrities themselves. Spreading gossip about others is a common way for people to feel better about themselves.

What happened to “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”? A recent study even says that gossip may be good for us. Really? I don’t buy it.

Lets look at the definition of gossip – “casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.” Here are a few synonyms:  hearsay, slander, defamation.

Frankly, I don’t think we can eliminate gossip altogether but if we are going to share some buzz, news or chatter (also synonyms for gossip) why not make it positive?  Keep the sour grapes, speculation and back-biting out of it.  Susie got a promotion.  Share it and how you think she deserved it and worked hard for it.  A friend tells you Janie broke up with her boyfriend, say “Wow that is hard. That’s happened to me too.  I’m going to call her and take her to lunch.”  Just refuse to wallow in the mud with your friend and spread a little kindness.

Dishing dirt on other people may make you feel like the “better” person, but it won’t make you a better person.  Practice Positive Gossip