But out?

I find that I often sabotage a good thing with the word “but”.  I always seemed to find fault with something.  It was part of my negative cycle.  I’ve decided rather than ban the word from vocabulary entirely, I’d switch it up.  When ever I find myself thinking something negative I use “but” to find a silver lining.

I HATE winter.  It’s not the cold so much.  It is the dark!  I don’t like waking up and it is dark for hours and then I leave work and it is nearly dark already.  I work in an office all day and though I have a window I almost always have to keep the blinds closed because of glare.  By the time the sun comes up, I don’t have enough time for a walk and I don’t want to leave my house in the evenings.  So being that we are in dead of winter, I’ve been a bit more negative than usual.

After a particularly long stretch of rainy, cold days (we don’t get much snow here), I was gripeing again about the weather – it was bitterly cold that day. But the sun was out!  But the forecast for tomorrow was warmer! But the heat pump didn’t freeze up now that we built the cover.  But my car starts up right away even in this bitter cold.  But now I can eat stew!

My guy is starting school again this week.  Four days a week and then weekends will be homework time.  And he is already putting in longer hours at the new job.  We will have much less time together.  But we can eat dinner together most of those nights.  But I can go to the gym without feeling that I’m not home enough. But now I can take those classes at Michaels.

It’s about looking on the brighter side.  It’s about looking for opportunities instead of loss.

“But” is like a fork in the road.  You can be on a good path and “but” yourself right down the negative road.  You can be on a rocky path and use it to take a higher road.  “But” really is all in your head!

 

 

Holiday Shopping Rules

I finished my Christmas shopping this weekend. I did break some of my holiday shopping rules so I thought I’d write them down for posterity’s sake!

Holiday Shopping Rules

1. Be like Santa – make a list – I decide what I am going to buy each person and set a budget for each item. I have it all figured out before I hit the stores – the cat included! Shopping for a specific thing takes less time than “shopping”.
2. I shop online whenever possible – if I know the brand, size etc, I let the magic elves at Amazon (or wherever) do the work for me.  The internet is a great place to do research, compare prices and ship where I want it.  I can also shop on my time and not be a slave to store hours.  I was ready to be out the door at 8 am on Saturday but had to wait till 9 for Best Buy to open.
3. If I have to go to the store, I go early in the day. The early bird catches the worm and the shortest lines. I went out on Saturday morning and it was peaceful. Sunday afternoon was a mad house!
4. I set a deadline and stick to it. No more shopping after X date.
5. Resist the urge to buy “one more present”. This is often a side-effect of getting my shopping done early. I call it present-creep. This is the rule I keep breaking!  See rule #4
6. I make many of the presents I give to co-workers or friends who can buy what they want.  The internet is full of great ideas for “mason jar gifts” – I’ve seen some very clever ones this year.  And the best part of making these kinds of gifts – you are at home.  You can still do the laundry, cook dinner or help with homework. (OK you may have to eat in front of the TV because the dining room table is covered with stuff but you are not our fighting lines and traffic).  If these are not food items, you can make them in June!  And it is a great way to get kids involved.
7. Inventory my bags, bows, and paper before you go shopping. I keep generic tags and brown paper gift bags on hand that I can stamp or decorate for the season.  After a long day at work, I really don’t feel like stopping at the store for gift wrapping supplies.  Oh and I save bags from the previous year to reuse.
8. I schedule a day of rest – no shopping or holiday activities – just rest! This is easier if I follow rule #4

Have you finished your shopping? Do you have any tips that make shopping easier and less stressful? Or maybe you are one of those people who love all the holiday shopping atmosphere. Share your thoughts on holiday shopping.

 

A Search for Simplicity

I live a pretty simple life.  I don’t go out much – dinner once a month or so.  I come home from work and cook dinner, do a little crafting, watch a little TV and am in bed by 10pm – even on weekends.   On weekends, we do home renovations or yard work.  My entertainment budget is my gym membership.  When weather permits, we may get on the bike and I’ll take my camera along to get a few shots.

I don’t party hard, shop till you drop or take elaborate vacations.

But I don’t live simply.  I still have way too much “stuff”.  It fills drawers, shelves, closets and is piled on flat surfaces.  Every room is cluttered.  I have multiples of lots of things and my bathroom is full of products I don’t use anymore – like molding paste from the short hair days.  Pens that don’t write, books that I won’t read and shoes I don’t wear.

2015 will be the year to simplify – to pear down.  It begins now by using up what I have.  I don’t have a game plan yet but I’ll be doing some reading and researching on simplicity.

Part of the problem is getting over the two biggest hurdles – I paid good money for that and I might need that again.  I still don’t have a way to get over those hurdles.  I think both the shredder and the folks at the Goodwill drop off center will know me well.

If any of you have any strategies, I’m all ears!  And if you’ve traveled the path to simplicity, I’d love to hear your story.

My Black Friday

On Friday, November 21, I signed some papers which put an end to the nightmare that birthed The One Little Thing Project.  That Friday was my Black Friday.  Now that it is over, almost, I can share the story.

In 2011 after a two year separation, my husband of nearly thirty years and I finalized our divorce.  Due to the economy, the house was left in both names.  Selling or refinancing was out of the question, due to it being “upside down”.  I figured in the future, he would want to sell and I would sign whatever was necessary and whatever he made on it was his.

About 15 months after the divorce, he was diagnosed with cancer.  I didn’t find out about any of this until the doctors told him there was nothing else they could do.  In January of 2014, the battle was lost.

After his death, I waited to hear from the executor to determine what to do with the house.  I never got a call.  Rather, I got a past due notice from the city for real estate taxes.  Conflicting and confusing information followed.  It was horrifying to learn that I was over 225,000 in debt and I shared ownership of the property with my two estranged daughters.

I was WAY over my head and sought the help of a real estate agent and real estate attorney to go over the options.  I had to pay back bills, judgments, keep up the property and had to wait while others decided my future. I eventually negotiated a short sale with the lender, but each day for more than six months the huge black cloud over my head got larger and darker.

I lived each day in fear.  Fear that I’d check my bank account and find it frozen.  Fear that the mail would bring another surprise.  Fear that my credit, which I had worked so hard to build, would be ruined.  Fear that my paycheck would be zero because of a lien or garnishment.  Fear the my future would be cat food and a cardboard box.

Living in fear is not a pleasant experience.  Eating and sleeping were a problem.  Keeping my mind on work was a problem.  Making ANY decision was a problem.

But what I learned through this adversity will last a lifetime:

• What was done was done – if only’s didn’t change a thing.

• Live on day at a time – tackle one problem at a time – try not to get caught up in what if’s.

• Ask for help and accept support – lean on others and respect their expertise.

• Work on Plan A but having a Plan B or C gave me comfort.

• Don’t forget the good things in your life – hang on to them and let them encourage you.

• Let go – the Serenity Prayer helped me tremendously on my darkest days.

• Ignoring things will not make them go away – take what action you can – actually doing something can give you a feeling of control.

• Take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally – eat right or even better, exercise and practice relaxation techniques like yoga or meditation – all these things will help you deal with stress.

• Don’t stop living – as tempting as it might be to hide or do nothing, keep living as normally as possible. Yes you may have to change some things or scale back but don’t stop living as normal a life as possible.  It is still okay to have a little fun.

While I’m sure there will be more fallout, I’m confident that I can get through it with what I’ve learned. And most of all, despite it all, I’ve learned how to be truly happier!

Tis the season to be materialistic?

Today I’d like to follow up on my earlier post this week on experiences vs material goods when it comes to happiness.

You can’t watch TV or go into a store without being reminded that the gift giving season is just around the corner. Maybe you already have a case of the “I wants” and I’m sure your children do.  There are tantalizing things on sale everywhere and even previews of “Black Friday” deals on the net.   I am not Scrooge or the Grinch.  I love giving gifts and carefully consider each one. But is there a downside to gift-giving?  Can we make the holidays more happy?

In an article published in the Global Mail, Psychotherapist Graham Music, of London, England and author of the book, The Good Life: Wellbeing and the New Science of Altruism, Selfishness and Immorality, argues that over-busy parents and out of control materialism results in  meaner and more self-absorbed children.  They lack empathy and are more concerned with what a person has than who a person is.  I don’t think that Music is off base here. Studies show that as  people become more materialistic, their relationships suffer. Think kids holed up in their rooms with computers all night and who look at their phones more than they look at their parents or siblings!

I am as guilty of this as the next guy.  We want our children to be happy so we get them what they want. The problem, as I pointed out, is that things bring only momentary happiness.  I would even go so far as to say that things drive people apart rather than bring them together.

So how do we tame the “thing monster”?  Give the gift of experiences.  I’m not saying go cold turkey and give no “thing” gifts but maybe consider some of this year’s gifts to be experiences.  If you are going to spend the money anyway, why not do something that might create more lasting happiness and promote connectedness to others?  Maybe an activity trip – like skiing or skating?  Or maybe a Mom/Daughter pedicure or spa day?  A day trip to a rock climbing wall or indoor skydiving venue or laser tag.

Thing gifts can be geared toward activities as well.  Board games that can be played by the entire family vs a computer game that only one person can play is another option.  Last year I bought myself a camera for Christmas and have used it to record visual reminders of the many wonderful experiences I had this year.

Instead of buying gifts for teachers and family members, how about making something – cookie mix in a mason jar, hand decorated picture frames or Christmas tree ornaments.  Yes this might be more work than running to the store and picking out some pre-made items but the lesson will last a life-time.

And in the long run, you might be happier too!

Can you buy more happiness?

I used to think that spending money on vacations, going out to dinner, seeing a movie or a play was a waste of money. After all you had nothing tangible to show for your hard earned bucks. Recent scientific studies show that you get more bang for your buck from experiences than things, as far as lasting happiness goes.

The study was conducted by Ryan Howell, an assistant professor of psychology at San Francisco State University. Study subjects were asked to answer questions about a recent purchase  made within the last three months. The reason behind the purchase was to make them happier.

What Howell found was that the people who spent money on an experience were happier, both at the time of the purchase and afterward, than those who purchases things.  My own experience backs this up.  There are some interesting reasons why.

First there is the principle of hedonic adaptation. It’s a fancy term for ‘we become used to things”.  So “my new car” becomes “my car”. The new shoes end up stacked with the rest of your shoes. The new couch loses it’s newness. And as with the luster of newness, the happiness fades over time.

The second reason is that experiences are usually shared. You usually enjoy a good meal with a friend or family. Even if you travel alone, you meet people along the way.

Experiences provide a hat-trick of happiness. We get happiness from anticipating the event, during the experience and memories from the experience.

Sharing stories about experiences create less comparison and envy and promote more relatedness. If I don’t own a sports car, I can’t relate to you or I might be envious of you.  But we can all share about the best meal we ever ate. And since experiences are harder to place a value on, there is less of a competitive nature to them.

I think sometimes people confuse the thing with the experience.  You give credit to the shoes for making you happy when it was the experience. – shopping with a friend – that is the real source of the happiness.

An exception is if the purchase provides an opportunity for more or greater experiences. Purchasing a mountain bike so you can go trail riding or a wok so you can cook stir-fry for your family are examples. Earlier this year, my guy bought a new motorcycle and we’ve already taken several great trips that have produced incredible memories. But it is the experiences that bring me the lasting joy not the bike itself.

So if you’ve got an extra $50 bucks in you wallet and you want to be happier, consider going out to dinner with a friend rather than buying a new sweater.

 

 

What’s for dinner?

Every weekend I do two things.  I make a menu for the week and go grocery shopping.  I wash all my clothes and pick out and iron my work clothes for the coming week.  Some people think I’m nuts and some think I’m smart.

I’ve been doing this for years.  It’s something I do to prevent having to make decisions when I’m at my worst – in the morning and after a long day at work.  No pulling out the iron because I realize my pants are wrinkled.  No hunting through the closet for that red shirt.  When I get home I don’t have to figure out what to cook and then find out I’m missing an ingredient and have to come up with plan B.

I also pack my lunch each night.  I eat the same breakfast each weekday morning.  I eat the same snack each day too.  Not that I’m totally inflexible.  If my boss declares a casual day, I’ll pull out my jeans faster than you can say Levi’s. And I’ll never turn down an invitation to go out to dinner!

These pre-decisions make my life easier and simpler.  These few minutes of planning – maybe an hour altogether – save me a lot of time and reduce my stress level during the week.  I leave my house each morning cool, calm and collected and ready to face my day at work.  When I get home, I can decompress and share time with my guy because dinner isn’t on my mind.

This easy, little technique really is empowering, costs nothing more than a little time and creates space in my life.  Maybe it can help you too.  And if you try it, I’d love to hear how it worked out for you.

Bad Habits and how to change them

Habits.  They come in good and bad varieties.  I have a lot of bad ones.  I get on this crazy bandwagon every once in a while and I want to fix everything at once – negative thinking, my diet, my exercise routine, my time management, my organization – or really lack of  – to name a few.  (Yes, I’m an overachiever.) I make a plan – outlining steps for each area – and I fail – miserable at all of them.  It was all too much!

And it was too much.  Trying to change too much at the same time is a recipe for disaster.

The key to successful change according to Leo Babauta of Zen Habits is change only one habit at a time.   “This is incredibly important — most people ignore it because they underestimate how much focus it takes to actually stick to a new habit. It’s easy to start a habit, or even 5 of them at once. Sticking to them is another story. Please note that this is one habit period — don’t think you can do one fitness habit, one social habit, one work habit, etc. One habit only. Do not break this rule.”

Equally important – start small.   Here is Leo’s prescription: “Most people are optimistic and try to make too big a change. There’s so many reasons to start small with a habit change that I can’t even list them all, but let’s take some of the most important. If you start small, the discomfort of change isn’t overwhelming. If you start small, you overcome the problem of inertia and not getting started. You also overcome the problem of burning through all your enthusiasm, or using up your willpower reserves. You make it impossible to say no, impossible to fail, if you start small. Some examples: meditate for 2 minutes, just get out the door and run for a minute, eat 1 vegetable a day, smoke 1 time less per day.”

This is one of the reasons why when I started my One Little Thing Project, I set the bar low.  I only had to write just one thing each day.  Some days it is easy to write lots of them.  Some days, not so much.  I am trying to build the habit of focusing on the positive.  Each day it gets easier because I started small.

For more on habit changing check out Leo’s story and the lessons he learned about habits.  And you might want to consider making reading Leo’s blog a habit!

I am not a cow!

One of the most intriguing and disgusting facts of nature is a cow’s digestive process. Cows barely chew their food and sometimes swallow it whole. Then they regurgitate (aka vomit) the food back into their mouth, and re-chew it and re-swallow it. This process continues until the food is completely digested in one to three days. The process is called rumination. (a little more than gross)

Holy Cow!! I am cow! Well sometimes. But it is not food that I regurgitate but negative thoughts, slights and insults. I swallow them whole or barely-chewed and then I regurgitate those things – chewing them repeatedly in my brain over and over again. But while a cow get nourishment from this process all I get is waste – wasted time and energy. Here is how I am working on this problem

1.  I recognize when I am doing it – I am NOT a cow.

2.  I reject those things that I know to be untrue or don’t really matter.

I have been in a relationship with the same man for more than 5 years.  We have mutually decided not to get married.  Some people imply that this shows a lack of commitment to the partnership.  I know this is untrue and anyone who really know us know this to be untrue.  For the rest, it doesn’t really matter what they think.

3.  I re-evaluate situations and relationships that keep coming back up in a negative way.

Over time for me it has been a job, a friendship,and participation in a group.  A detached assessment – something as simple as a pro/con list helped me see the situation in a more unemotional light.

4. I respond in a positive manner when appropriate

I make an action plan to respond to the issue.  I changed jobs and paid more attention to what would be required of me.  I established boundaries in the friendship.   I stepped back from my role in the group limiting my responsibility and direct interaction with certain people.

5. I recognize when release is the only option

Despite my attempt to set boundaries in a friendship, that didn’t solve the problem so I ended the friendship.  At times I released the problem or issue to a professional (as in my current set of circumstances).   I do not consider these as failures but as a wise choice for my emotional well-being.

6.  I replace negatives with positives

I purposefully schedule activities that are enjoyable and take my mind off my problems. I pay extra attention to the good things and devote my energies to adding to my One Little Thing  list.

 In truth, I will probably always be a bit bovine, but these strategies have helped me break the cycle of rumination.  Do you have any strategies that you find helpful when you catch yourself regurgitating negative thoughts?  Or maybe you tried one of these strategies yourself.  I hope you will share them with me.